I was 4 years old when I first got abused. That day was my uncle’s birthday and everyone in the house had wished him except me. I hadn’t wished him as I was throwing a tantrum at my granny, who had asked me to wish him. I don’t remember why I was angry with my granny at that time. However, as the day went by I felt sorry for my uncle and I went to his room to wish him “Happy Birthday”, as I was shaking his hand he grabbed me and forcefully kissed me. That incident hurts me even till today. I had forgotten about it, until recently when I was trying to remember what was my first kiss like. *BOOM I remembered that my first kiss (which should be one of the most memorable kisses )was actually a violation of my body and me. Nobody deserves such an experience, especially a child of four.
I was then abused again at 6 years of age by another family member. This time it was my grand uncle. It happened when I had gone to visit them for the day. My cousin brother and I had decided to spend the day there as we generally had a lot of fun with their family. Since there we had lots of uncles and aunties fussing over us. That day was just like any other, we had loads of fun playing games and eating our favorite meals. Then it was time for the afternoon nap as everybody was tired and sleepy after the meal. They asked my cousin who was 4 and me to come with them and sleep since we were kids we didn’t feel the need to sleep so instead we decided to watch TV in the living room with our grand uncle. It was my grand uncle, Reuben my cousin and me in the living room, as others had retired to the bedrooms to sleep. As we were lying down in front of the TV, my grand uncle started touching my private parts. I for one felt confused as I didn’t know what was happening to me, as before that only my mother had touched me there, that also only while giving me a bath. I felt scared and wanted it to stop, I did not know what to say or how to describe what I was feeling but I knew that it was not right and that it had to stop. I then looked at my cousin who was engrossed in watching TV and then I looked at my nana and decided to do something. I was scared as he was so much older and was my Nana and we were taught to respect our elders and to never say anything to them. I did not know what to say to him which would make him stop but I also had to be polite and respectful so I just said “Please stop, it hurts”. That did make him stop then and I was never abused by him in that way. Though I would bump into him ever once in a while at family gatherings and parties. He would keep on trying to grab me or touch me inappropriately but I generally stayed away from him. He is now dead and our family is safer for it.
Today I am sharing my story so that people are aware of Child Sexual Abuse. I want to break the myths that people have that an abuser is outside of the house and that our children are safe at home. I want to say that we need to be very very careful under whose watch we are leaving our children and that we should trust no one. My case is not a random out of the blue incident but it is the story of almost half our population and studies have proved it. Most child sex abuse survivors do not share there pain and agony with anybody due to shame. I am sharing my story so that everyone is aware of the plague which ails our society and our country. Child Sex Abuse is not a one time incident but has a very deep psychological and emotional effect on the survivors, lasting through almost their entire lives. The abuse that I went through in my childhood has left me very vulnerable as I have a very low self-esteem and self-worth. I also struggle with trusting people and I generally find it difficult to achieve co-dependent relationships. Though I have great inter personal skills and do not have a problem in communicating and meeting people, actually I rock at it. It is in building a relationship where I can depend on the other is where I have a problem. I have found healing and comfort in Christ Jesus and in his love which is ever lasting and which endures forever. As Christ died not only for all my sins but for my shame and pain too. Christ’s blood has washed me clean and this gives me hope for the future.